As I mentioned previously, I was away at the end of last week. I missed my progress post as I was traveling for a work conference. I feel like I made good choices while at the conference, but traveling was exhausting. I had some long drives and I feel like when I’m tired I tend to make poor choices. When tired I’m more likely to order food than cook it myself, for example.

Rest is good. We all need sleep. I still struggle with getting the suggested number of hours most work nights. Because of my busy schedule, I’ve been staying up too late and then in return not waking up in time to get my workout in before work. This creates a problem because your day only gets busier and then the likelihood of you getting it in gets smaller and smaller.

You also need rest for your body to recover. I’m still making my class at the gym twice a week, but this week I hurt my shoulder. I have some pre-existing shoulder issues from being a swimmer. Well, I’m not exactly sure how I hurt it this time, but I strained my rotator cuff it seems. I’ve talked with my doctor and I need to rest it for a few days. It is pretty painful unless I have my arm still and not raised above a certain level. At the moment, I can’t fully extend the arm or lift it up in any direction very high without discomfort.

None of what I’m saying is rocket science. I think most people know that they need rest, but I think finding a balance is difficult. I need to keep my arm pretty still for a couple of days and then it should be ok. I’ll just have to listen to my body and not push that shoulder if I feel any pain. After a workout you are going to feel sore, but there is a good sore and then there is bad pain. With pain it is best to consult a doctor and take a break. Being overweight and not really in the best shape I will be prone to more injuries and it is important to know my limitations while still pushing myself. I think to achieve this it is wise to talk to a trainer. Even if you only have one session to learn how to use machines correctly or be instructed on the proper form.

Due to my shoulder I didn’t make it to the gym for my official weigh in. I’m pretty sure I have a gain this week, I deserve a gain this week. I’ve been off track with some meals and my exercise I have missed due to sleeping in.

It is a struggle. I know who I want to be, but finding that push is hard for me a lot of the time. I think it is good I’ve taken a rest from the blog also. I took a much needed step back and have focused on myself. I realized that I had a lot more I needed to work on and I’ve taken time to address personal issues and get to the root of a lot of the issues that lead to my bad relationship with food.

That being said, I’m going to blog more. I have ideas for posts pop into my head all the time. Things I’d like to discuss or share, but time has been my limitation. As things calm down, I’m going to start posting with more frequency again. I’m also planning on bringing back the Non-Scale Victories Linkup. I plan on posting my NSVs and I will provide the link for anyone who wants to share theirs also.

On a scale of 1-10 this week was probably a 3. Not a great week and I own that. Now I’m going to allow myself to take that rest and get back at it. Keep my food on point throughout the weekend and then resume workouts on Monday.

What a week!

What a great week, for a number of reasons!

First, I have a new member of my family because my cousin gave birth to the most beautiful little girl on Tuesday!

IMG_7485I’ve so missed having a baby in the family because my youngest niece just turned 3. It was so nice finally being able to meet her. She is gorgeous! Because I’m not her parent I won’t post any pics of her, but she is adorable and I’m so happy for my cousin on her new little addition!

Besides the great news of a healthy new addition, I’ve had a good week health wise also. I finally got my Polar watch working again. It needed a new battery I think in both the watch and the sensor. I personally like the watch because I like to know where I stand calorie wise for my workout. I have a goal I want to reach each time I visit the gym and I can check in and if  I’m not at my mark it pushes me to hit it. It also helps with tracking to more accurately know where I stand for the day. Also, when I’m doing a set at bootcamp it is good to see how my body is reacting. Based on where my heart rate is I can see how much I’m exerting, if I need to be pushing a little more, if I need to pause to let my heart rate come down, and it is great to see improvements over time to see how quickly my heart rate drops after a hard set.

If you don’t have a heart rate monitor and were looking into them, I have the Polar FT4. There are several different types of Polar heart rate monitors with various functions and range in price. I like this one because it is simple to use and has the basic functions that work for the exercises that I do. I also like that it is water resistant, up to 30m I believe. I have worn mine lap swimming on multiple occasions and I’ve never had an issue. The only warnings I’ve seen posted from other people is to not press the buttons on the watch while you are under water. Also, I do flip turns and find that you need to tighten the band with the heart rate transmitor or it tends to flip and then lose connection.

So that is my tangent about a heart rate monitor, now on to my results for this week:

I lost another pound!

I definitely did better with my nutrition this week, however I did go out for dinner with my family the night before weigh in and I’m sure the extra salt didn’t help and then I had a conference call that ended up being over 4 hours and after had pizza with colleagues. Besides those incidents, my food has been pretty on track. I definitely am a creature of habit and could eat the same lunch daily without it really bothering me, but I need to work on introducing more things into my diet still.

As for exercise, I didn’t start T25 as I originally said. I need to work on getting myself up early to get it in because so much came up this week after work that I was getting home so late. If I don’t get it done in the morning then it probably isn’t going to happen. For next week I really need to improve on this and drag myself out of bed early to get it done. However, I have bootcamp twice a week and at the moment I do not plan to do doubles for workouts. So on days that I have a class at the gym I will not do the T25. I also have a work conference next week and will be out of town the end of all next week so I will be starting T25 on Saturday and following the schedule as if my week started on Saturday.

2 weeks after my restart and I’ve lost 2 pounds. I’m happy with it. The scale is moving in the right direction and I feel like I’m mentally in a good place. I am friends with the trainer at the gym who runs the class I go to, she also teaches health and fitness classes at a local college, and she is wonderful. She gives me a lot of food ideas and I printed out my food tracker for her this week and she is going to look through it and give me feedback with recommendations of what I should add and what I should try to eliminate. I definitely appreciate the guidance as it is what she does for a living and I’m still learning.

All in all I’m proud of this week. I know what I need to work on for next week and it will be a good challenge for me to make good choices while being on this work trip.

Aunt KTJ (again)

It seems like forever ago that my cousin, and best friend, told me that she was going to be a mom. For months we’ve all waited patiently and finally today (hopefully) a new member of my family will enter this world.

You may remember my cousin Laura. I was the maid of honor in her wedding not too long ago. We may officially be cousins, but we’ve always been so much more than that. She is 2 years older than me so when I was born it was like I already had an instant best friend. We had countless sleepovers, we went to girl scout camp together, we’ve vacationed together, gone to a number of NSync concerts together, camped out at radio stations to meet her favorite pop star, Gwen Stefani, together, and even survived the Great Wall of China together.  We have a connection that only family can have. Countless conversations and memories. Summers filled with Laura, my sisters and me acting out Now and Then having this club to raise money for various things. We’d hold talent shows for our family, hold meetings at a local coffee shop, and find adventures in the neighborhood.  We even proved to be quite skilled at lemonade sales.

Even last week when I was upset about some things she took the time to send me a hand written card expressing how much she believed in me. Honestly, words cannot express how much I love Laura. If you are reading this Laura, I love you!


Now she is embarking on her biggest adventure yet and I could not be more thrilled for her. I have 2 little nieces already that are 5 and 3 and they are a huge part of my life. I’m beyond thrilled to have a new little baby join the family and to be an “aunt” again.

I have no doubts that she will be a phenomenal mother. She will be loving, caring, comforting, and always there. I’m in absolute suspense waiting to learn if she will have a little boy or girl! Today is the big day and I know I won’t be able to contain my excitement. Either way, this will be one of the most loved kids!

I can already tell you baby that your Aunt Katie loves you beyond words and I can’t wait to meet you!

I would really appreciate it if anyone reading would keep Laura, baby, and her husband in your thoughts and prayers today. Prayers for a healthy baby and mom. A smooth delivery and quick recovery.

And hopefully a quick delivery, we’ve all been waiting for you baby!


When you just don’t care…

If you are anything like me, and I hope you’re not, you’ve had days where you don’t care.  It feels as if you will always be fat. So, if you will always be fat, always wear plus-sized clothes, never get to that “goal” weight, then why bother?  Why continue to struggle when you can eat that (insert comfort food here) and remain being what you’ve always been . . . fat.

I think it is easy to become complacent.  You are familiar as one thing and change is hard. Any change is hard.  As a Type A person I don’t fail at many things.  I strive to be the best and I’ve succeeded at just about anything I’ve put my mind to, except for weight loss.  Why is that?

I think there are many, many reasons.  I’m exploring a lot of them and finding the roots of why I personally have this unhealthy relationship with food.  It takes time, patience, and really hard work.  I can’t just sit and want to change, I have to need to change. I also have to work for it.  I have to do the food prep, wake up a little earlier (or stay up a little later) to get my exercise in, and I have to be honest with myself.  I don’t have children so in reality it will never be easier to lose the weight than right now.

So, this week I had some bad news. I was really disappointed by something, I won’t go into details, but it had me pretty down.  My instant thoughts were that I was going to go home, eat whatever I wanted, put on a good movie, and just let myself be sad about it for one night and then move on.  I decided to text my friend that I go to the gym with and told her I was probably going to skip the gym because I was so upset by everything and this was her response:

After telling me it was going to be ok and the positives to take away from the experiences she said –

“If you skip tonight you need to come to the class on Sunday morning.  Don’t let this frustration derail your personal fitness goals.”

Simple enough. Good advice. I read it and thought well, now I can’t just skip. I need to go. I need to work out my frustrations and I can’t let a bad day and disappointing news derail any progress that I make.  That is how I fall into the negative cycle.

So, I went to the gym.  I worked out for an hour and it was hard.  But, I felt great after. I felt accomplished and felt like my mind was clearer and I could think about the next step more.  Instead of sitting at home I went out there and worked my frustrations out and got over it.  I then came home from the gym and prepped my lunch for the next day.

Little by little I will get there.

After week 1 of restarting I’m happy to announce that I lost exactly 1 pound.  Slow and steady is fine by me! I did great when it came to exercise this week, but I need to work on my food still.  Too many birthday parties this past weekend and 1 too many cupcakes.  Even if I allowed for them, not all calories are equal.

My plan for this coming week is to continue tracking and I’m going to start T25 again.  I’m going back to T25 because of the short workouts. They are the most manageable for my life schedule right now.

I acknowledge I haven’t been as great at updated instagram with workouts this week. My polar battery died and hopefully will have it all fixed this weekend and I’ll be back at sharing my workout stats for anyone who cares to follow along.

Hope you all have a great weekend!

Starting Over

I’m starting over. This may be a little long, but please bear with me.

I know some may say you can’t do that. I mean I’ve been blogging well over a year and a half so how can I just start over, but that’s what I’m going to do.

I’ve taken a break from blogging. Really the last few months my posts have been more and more infrequent. I’ve been busy (this is a good thing), struggling emotionally, and frustrated with so many things.

When I first started blogging I just did it for a release. I enjoy writing and I liked that I could share my story and find others who “get it.” I’ve made some really good friends, but I more and more found myself needing to take a break from this page. Maybe it was because I didn’t really want to face reality that the whole point of my blog, my weight loss journey, was just becoming such a negative thing. I’ve succeeded in life at just about anything I’ve put my mind to, but when it comes to weight loss I constantly fail. I repeat the same cycle over and over. It gets to a point where I’m tired of living in that cycle and think why on earth would anyone want to read about it.

I know that I’ve had similar posts in the past. Make a post about realizing things and then for a few weeks/months things are great and then the cycle continues. I think a big reason for that is in the very beginning I didn’t realize how much of an issue with food I really had. Sure I’ve always been overweight, but it wasn’t until I really started documenting things that I realized that my relationship with food was far more unhealthy than I thought. Then I figured I could do it on my own. Try this or that and work through it all by posting here and I’d be fine, I’d get through it. The problem is that sometimes you just can’t do it alone.

Weight loss is not a hard concept. Burn more calories than you take in. Simple. The complicated part is mental. I don’t see food as essential calories to fuel my life. I see food as something to have when celebrating, grieving, to relieve stress. . . to fill a void. It is a complicated relationship and a negative one.

On top of my poor relationship with food, medically I struggle with a chronic congenital disease that makes losing weight very difficult and requires me to take metabolic steroids daily for life. I’ve had to learn how to work with my body to see any sort of results. The thing is, I have figured it out. I’ve realized that for me personally I must exercise and exercise a lot! My sister can change her diet and drop twice as much weight in the same amount of time without even adding walking to her routine. All bodies and people are different. My reality is that I don’t seem to have any real results, unless I add activity.

So, I think I’ve figured out how to overcome my personal hurdle, but it requires consistency and for me to not be lazy. Truth hurts. It is tempting to relax when you get home from work. My job is mostly sedentary. As an attorney I’m at my desk most of the day so I need to make sure I add in activity daily.

So here I am.

I’ve learned a lot in the time I’ve decided to try to lose weight and live healthier. But the question is – have I really tried? Really put in 100%?

It’s been a learning process. I’ve taken the step to talk with a professional about my relationship with food, taken a step back from posting all things publicly – I found that I was stressing myself out so much knowing that I was failing and failing so publicly. Weight is a sensitive topic for me. Sounds crazy that I blog about it, but I’ve always struggled with talking about my weight. At least here on the blog I’ve found others experiencing similar issues and haven’t felt alone in my struggle.

Ok, so all this time hasn’t been a complete failure, I know I’m so hard on myself. I’ve learned to enjoy exercise again. I’m so much more comfortable going to the gym. I’ve learned that I like more healthy foods than I’ve thought and been more willing to try new things. I’ve grown a lot as a person. . .

With that, I’d like to start over.

I’m not placing pressure on myself to blog daily, but I am committing to updating weekly, at the minimum, to be accountable for my progress. Every Friday I will post a Weigh In post with my results for the week.

Daily I will post to Instagram/Twitter my activity. Sure maybe that is boring to see posts of my polar all the time, but when I had been checking in somewhere daily to show that I was getting activity in I was much more accountable and likely to get it done.

I work out twice a week with the same group of people. We’ve made a pact together that we all need to be more accountable with tracking our food. So, we’ve devised an incentive to hold ourselves accountable – each Thursday we will have to bring in our food diaries for the week to show that we’ve tracked daily (the good and the bad). If someone doesn’t bring it in or doesn’t track then the rest of us collectively get to design their workout. Obviously we will do it in a safe manner. So, for example, if someone has an injury we wouldn’t make them do something that would worsen it. However, you bet that person will be doing a whole lot of prowlers. For me, I’d so much rather make sure I’ve tracked everything I’ve eaten than allow the people I work out with to design my workout for the day because I know, I know they will make it all of my least favorite things to do!

Today I’m making a grocery list for this next week so that I can food prep this weekend and get everything back on track. I can do this. We all can do this.

My dad lost over 100 pounds in his 50s. I can’t let this continue and have me repeat his life. I need to do this now. I need to.

So today is day 1. I’m resetting my weight loss to 0. I’m restarting.